I feel complete

Ryan and I spoke yesterday. It was the first conversation we have had since the 4th of July (our would-be anniversary) last year when i called from that busy Chicago street, using a payphone cause my phonecard wouldn't work with my mobile. And it was like speaking to a whole different person.

A year ago was a struggle for conversation. I would ask how he was- "Fine"... how is his family "Ok"... how is work "Going back to school"... There was nothing there but silences and unspoken conversations that i could feel but hardly comprehend. When we were ready to hang up, the tears streaming down my face i apoligized for calling saying that I won't call anymore. "No, its fine. I'm glad you did," he assured. "I just mean there's no real point to it though anymore, is there?" I asked. "No. There really isn't." And that was it. Our final goodbye.

Until now.

It was a real conversation. An actual 30 minutes of back and forth talk. We laughed and joked, told stories, and did the basic catch-up. We didn't get sentimental with words and I didn't even have to try to hold back tears. It was just a nice coversation. And it makes me feel as though a huge weight has been lifted.

I feel like I may actually be able to get on with my life finally now. Being able to maintain a friendship, or just any form of contact relieves so much of the pain that I have been holding in for these past two years. I needed to know that I was not alone. That he missed me and thought of me. That even if we never end up together again, we both know how special what we had was. I didn't want to go on believing that I was the only one who cared, the only one who hurt, the only one still feeling the effects of our relationship. And i needed to know that it was ok to miss him still. I needed to know that there wasn't something wrong with me for still missing him so much after so long. And I asked him that in the end of the email I wrotre after he and I hung up the phone...

"PS- I miss you. I hope its ok for me to say that..."

I woke up this morning with an email back, subject line "Of course its alright" and then it went on to say in the letter "Just want to let you know that of course it is alright for you to say that you miss me and i miss you too! there is nothing wrong with that cause that is just the way the world works my dear" I missed the way he writes in the way he talks, an endless ramble lacking most punctuations other than exclamation points!!!! He is such like a child and I always loved him for that.