Ryan

He makes me so happy...

We haven't seen each other in almost 2 years and we stopped speaking for close to 1 year and yet he still makes me happier than anyone else possibly could. Just having him in my life makes me more of an optimist. Makes me believe in love. Trust in the world. Not feel so completely lost.

If Ryan and I can be so close again, i think i could have faith that anything really is possible...

Unemployment

Lost my job yesterday. i think i should be really upset. or reeling with anger... and yet all i really feel is relief. like this incredible burden has finally been lifted from my shoulders. i have hated every single day of my life since getting back from france and have been way too weak to do anything about it.

it was like in high school when i wanted to break up with someone but couldnt face the confrontation i would just try to make them break it off with me. and i will admit, since becoming disillusioned with the job and my boss, i have not put in the time and energy that i used to.

i hated being there. i woke up each morning dreading the day. i felt i spent my life trying to distance myself from my job. leaving for weekends. not volunteering to stay late. i wanted to be far away. i had even begun my search for a new job weeks ago, sending out resumes and having dinner meetings with potential contacts. so its a gooud thing. a bruise to my already fragile ego but a blessing in the long run. staying at that company would have only continued to harden me and i like being a nice midwest girl. i dont want to have to trick people, and win them over. i dont believe in infidelity. i dont want to support immoral behavior or be dragged into it.

i think i will dye my hair red tomorrow and get a new tattoo. its time for the real me to come back. this is a gooud change, a fresh start... right?