Filling the void

Lately I feel empty. Its not even that I am sad or unhappy... I am nothing. Part of me thinks that is even worse.

I have become emotionless. Things dont feel like they happen by me or to but rather just simply around me. I am not touched. I am not hurt. I am not joyed. I am not pained. These days I just am...

Is it New York that is doing this to me? Kelly's friend told her the other day that we have become part of the "Metropolitan Abyss." There's nothing shocking, nothing interesting, nothing immoral or disloyal... things just are...

My best friend growing up told me yesterday that she didnt think we had much in common anymore and didnt see the point in even talking. Have i changed that much? The comment hurt me more than anything had in a long time, probably cause it made me realize just how vacant I had become. I am ashamed of myself and my unfeeling nature. And the worst thing about it is, I almost dont really see whats is so wrong with it...

I have become the empty shell in the city. Like so many other souls wandering the streets I no longer blink at the strangness of people around me, I hardly notice when I am gawked at or hollered to, I cannot be bothered to slow my pace on a crowded sidewalk. I have become nothing. No more than another city dweller trying to survive in a place that will literally eat you alive if you take anything to seriously.

There seems no way around it. If I had emotions, surely I would have abandoned New York by now. If I knew how to be affected I would have been knocked down enough times now to feel that something was not right.

But I can't feel a thing. My life has become a vast wasteland and I simply sit back and allow the emptiness to wash upon me each passing day until they all blend together into one...