Trying to figure it all out...

I am a lost child. Confused, alone, broken.

I dont want to feel this way. Dont want to continue to be afraid of how life will disappoint me next. I want so bad to just love life. I want to feel its intensity and embrace each moment. But I feel sometimes like Life will not let me. Doesnt want me. Denies me acceptance to the things I want so desperately to feel.

I want so bad to be in love. Perhaps that is why I hold on so tightly to my memories of Ryan. He was such a true, pure thing in my life. I loved him without fear, completely uncompromising, as one would love their own child. Why cant I find that again? I know I cannot go on loving Ryan alone forever, and yet it scares me not to. The thought of not loving anyone... I will be the emotionless vessel that i am trying desperately to not become.

I just want life to open up for me again. I want to be moved. I need to be inspired. Before I surrender completely to being nothing...