He loves me

Two years. Its been over two years now since Ryan and I were together. Since that heartbreaking goodbye at Heathrow Airport. Its been over two years since we were just another young couple, desperately in love but unable to be together.

We stopped saying we loved each other a long time ago. The first couple phone conversations after I left London always ended the same way, with those three little words spoken as casually as any other goodbye. But those words soon became too hard to speak, and far too painful to have to hear.

I never stopped thinking it though. I never denied that I still loved him with all my heart. If he had asked, I would have said the words again, I would not have hidden my true feelings.

When we got back in touch this past summer, love was a word we saved only for an email signature. Have a nice day- Love, Ry. How was your night? Love, Em. I sign all my correspondense with the L word. It didnt need to mean anything other than a typical sign off. But we never uttered the word aloud. It was forbidden. It was dangerous to overstep the boundary of our newly revitalized friendship.

I called him this morning. He was driving around with a friend looking for a good spot to surf (its summer in South Africa). We spoke briefly only. He brought up moving to America again. Its nice to hear him mention it but it isnt still for two more years and I dont know if I can wait in limbo quite that long.

Eventually we had to go. It always takes an extra 5 minutes just to get out all the goodbyes. Thanks for calling. Talk soon. Nice to speak with you. Be well. Have a nice day... Then a new one from him. "I love you baby."

I was in shock. I said it back and with that we ended the conversation. Are we really still in love?

Moving on

Deb and i had our tarot cards read the other night... i asked about love specifically. When the reader flipped the DEATH card my heart nearly shattered. Was I destined to live a loveless life??

"Dont be worried" she assured me. "Its not as bad as you may think."

She then went on to explain that she can see I have someone in my past that is not allowing me to move on... and until my feelings for this individual die, i will never really be happy nor will i be able to find love.

Deb agreed. "Its time to get over Ryan" she told me.

I knew she was right. I knew the cards spoke the truth. I was finally ready to forget Ryan.

Today I received an email from my dad reading:

Rae,

Guess who just called? A very strange accented young man from a far away land.

He said that he tried calling you but could not reach you. He wanted to say thanks for the books and he’ll call you tomorrow.

The ole heart throb sounded good yet I couldn’t understand most of what he said.

Cheers

How am I ever going to move on now?

In search of inspiration

I am slowly trying to find inspiration again. I can't remember where or when i seemed to lose it but i am slowing piecing together how to bring it back in my life...

Finding it in old friends, old loves, old journals...

Realising old music as new again, old fantasies as possible...

I think i came to New York desperate to be different from what i was because what i was wasnt happy... but i miss me. i miss what made me, me. i miss my histrionic, exaggerated, painfully melodramatic outbreaks of emotion- where has that girl gone? I want her back. Even if she is sad, she was always inspired to feel...

i'm almost there...