in love and saddness

It was early winter (or late fall depending on your personal perspective) when it ended. I should have known, should have felt the changing wind and understood that the seasons were not the only thing in my life growing cold quickly. Even now, years later, with the wisdom of time and knowledge of the way things would eventually turn out, the remembrance of that night still brings the salty burn of tears to my eyes.

I was at Denny's, chainsmoking cigarettes and drinking cup after cup of luke warm coffee. It was cheap though, open 24 hours and just far enough off campus to escape the scene which always developed at the university library or the central coffee shops. The fact that I could smoke my cigarettes while enjoying an endless supply of coffee for the bargain price of $1.50 was the main draw though. The perfect location for the procrastinating mind.

Jules and I were studying for our African American Press mid-term but all I could thank about was my own South African who had yet to make his nightly phone call. There was a knot in my stomach as I sat staring at my disturbingly silent cell sitting next to my open text book on the table. I pulled out another cigarette, trying to calm my nerves. Jules tried to reassure me that it was still early, only 9pm, there was no need to be upset. Unfortunately though, that made it 2am in London where he was living, which I knew was a bad sign. His bar closed at 11 and I always got a call not too long after, either from a phone box outside his work or the one near his flat.

Two nights before there had been a fight. Scared and insecure I sat in the cold solitude of my car, surrounded by the black night in tears. I can't do this anymore. I'm too afraid of losing you and terrified in loving you. Are you frightened too? Are you just as lost? Am I alone?

It was perhaps the first time I admitted outloud that I feared our love may not be enough.

To be continued...