A Change of Seasons

(circa February 2002)

In a different time
when the sun shone bright
in clear blue skies
And flowers started to poke their eyes
from the cold earth
with life again

When the birds returned
to sing their happy melodies
in the glistening of the morning dew
I would see you
and you're face would light up
in a way that let me know
I was more than just a friend

But seasons change
Now that same sun hides
her face behind clouds of grey
And all the flowers are nestled away
under the dead dirt
without a trace

Now that its too cold
for the birds to sing of happy times
amongst this frozen sea
You see me
and try to force a smile
in a way that lets me know
that I have been replaced

I Hate that I don't Hate You

(circa November 2002)

I hate cigarettes
especially Marlboro Lights cigarettes
I hate that you smoke Marlboro Lights
I hate even more that I do too
and think of you with every drag

I hate that I'm underage
I hate that you're younger than me and are not
I hate that you work in a bar
so every time I have an Amaretto Sour I remember
liking it better when you made it

I hate being stuck in Ann Arbor
especially with the obligation of school
I hate that you don't go to school
and live in London
I hate that I love London
but am scared I wouldn't love it without you

I hate that you have an accent
I hate how the way you say "cute" with that accent
is so darn cute
I hate that you end a conversation with "cheers"
I hate even more that you once ended it with "I love you"
but no longer do

I hate that I live in America
I hate that your passport says South Africa
I hate American taboos
and attitudes towards visas
I hate the American mentality of anything is possible
when we've painfully learned it to be false

About Bad Poetry

Why if I think its so bad, am I posting my old poetry? Because its FUNNY. Seriously. Its amazing how dramatic one can be over something and then years later find it hilarious.

I always hated the phrase "everything happens for a reason." I think that's bullshit. There are a lot of things that happen without some happy ending attached.

BUT I tend to believe that "everything happens for a story." Good or bad, there's eventually something to tell. And the story itself is usually interesting.

There's a lot that I have learned about myself by reading these old bits of writing. Take the last poem I put up for example, "Her." I wrote it right around my 20th birthday. Peter and I had broken up about 8 months earlier but that winter began to rekindle things a little. Or so I thought. Next thing I know I get an instant message from him reading "Things are cool between us now, we know we're friends and nothing more, right?" I asked if he was wondering because he was suddenly in some relationship or something. "Yeah, kinda," was his reply. I immediately signed offline.

When I read the poem I think it's interesting that its almost entirely focused on me not looking right. I was too tall, too fat, too pale; my hair too curly. I recalled over the summer when he referred to Britney Spears as "too beefy" while admiring Christina's "heroin chic look." Its not until the end that I even think that there might be other reasons he would choose someone else over me, that they had similar interests, got along differently. It hardly occurred to me that anything other than my physical self was at play.

Of course, I was just an insecure child. Later, Peter told me I was by far the most attractive girl with whom he had ever been involved (which is true, I've met most of his exes over the years). It was mostly about timing that things didn't work out. But looking at that poem, there's a story much deeper than just what happened between he and I. Those are the things I'm fascinated in now finding out.

Plus, looking back, it seems so silly.

Her

(circa Jan 2002)

So what's she like?

Is she small?
That was always my problem
Too tall
for you
You didn't like that

Is she thin?
Could you hold her up
in the palm of your hand?
You couldn't even
hold my heart anymore
That alone is too heavy
with grief

Is she dark?
Perfect sun-kissed skin
The only son to kiss
my complexion
was you
That's why
I'm so pale in her shadow

I bet her hair is straight
Sleek and smooth
Simple
Mine is curly
A mess of corkscrews
and complications

I bet she listens to your music
Appreciates your stories
Laughs when she's supposed to
at all the right times
all the right places
I'm so random
Rarely right
An embarrassment

Does she look good in your arms?
Better than I did?
Of course
She's the perfect person
you're wandering eye
was searching for
While you were merely screwing
a mediocre me

with my depression

(circa fall 2001)

in an empty room
surrounded only by isolation
the beating of a heart
keeps time for desolation
pretending to be strong
but drowning in emotion
a desire to be held
and a need to feel devotion
obsession feeds the soil
for a garden of confusion
the idea that you would save me from me
was clearly an illusion
in an effort to escape
from hopeless desperation
I let myself believe your feelings
were more than my creation
I was wrong and now alone
held captive by an overhealthy imagination

A memory of Isaac

(circa fall 2001)

No more than fifteen years behind me
And I've never known what its like
to have a love life
I have never even had a like life
But here we sit alone for the first time
A drop of liquid falls on my toe
Or is it a drip?
Drop
Drip
I ignore the rain
And hold your hand in mine
as we sit it silence
There's an unspoken connection
From your eyes locked in my gaze
And I feel
the exhilarating rush of our instant attraction
Turning itself into a mutual lust
Between us
And I know you understand
That feeling
It's new to me
Stronger than anything
I had previously experienced in relation
to a boy
But here I am with you now
Comforted by your presence
And the realization that I am capable
of being loved
By someone
I begin to cry
Was it ever raining at all
or always just my tears?

Drunken ramble

Written circa summer 2003 (while drunk)

Video games at Gregor's
fucking drunk as fuck... and fuck is drunk
feels like the high school I never lived
but always wanted
The high school seen in movies
sitting at the cool guys house
getting pissed
while your boyfriend stares at the screen
in a trance of virtual technology
and all you can think about is ripping off
his clothing
-which would never have happened
in my high school memories
since i never had sex
or a real boyfriend-
Three years has made a world of difference
in my life
as I sit here in this flat
on the other side of the Atlantic
watching the only boy
I've ever loved
and feel like I'm in
the high school life
I never lived
but always wanted
deep down
If only I was still sixteen
I could be happy with this existence
but unfortunately I've aged
and must grow up
beyond sitting in this room
getting pissed
while he plays video games...
like still in high school

the love of night

Bring me the sunset in a cup. Warm and smooth of yellows and fading pink. An enchantment unlike day, sweet with nectar from tomorrow's promise. Let it be silent. Please make sure it overflows with tranquility.

Pass me a glass of early morning dew. Cool in refreshing tones of blue and summer green. A champagne flute of possibility in the dawn.

Keep the day for yourself, I do not need it. I have no use for the harsh heat of a red afternoon. For it is evening alone that suits my mind and brings you softly back to me, nestled quietly on a bed made of midnight and a dream of requited fullfilment.

Very old poem

When i was 19 i started writing poetry for a creative writing course i was taking. I got really into it and started keeping a poetry journal which i eventually gave up on... Here's the first one i wrote... i was pretty dramatic but in my defense it was the first boy i slept with...

I see you in my mind
And my palms begin to sweat
I wonder, why?
Yet
I let you come inside me
Get inside my heart
Make chaos in my head
Bend and twist
my thoughts
Lay me
straight down on the bed
You fucked with my emotions
Just to fuck with me
But i keep coming
Back for more
Pain
Heartache
Melting at your touch
I shiver at your kiss
When it comes to loving you
I'm a sado-masocist

I need to let you go
Need to run away
Leave you
Scold you Never hold on to your memory
Straighten me up
No more curls
Sleek
Slim
I know how you like it
How to make you excited
But i'm not that girl
Thats what you said
So dont
Fuck with me anymore
I can do it to myself
Need you to hurt?
Screw with my head? No
My mind is lost
You've left me
with a mess
But when it comes to loving you
I'm a sado-masocist

My thoughts are on the brink
Cant get you off
my mind
I'm torn
I'm lost
In rags and scars
You've left my seeing blind
to your intentions
I still think i stand a chance
You're shady as a maple
So dark i cannot see
Makes me crave the sting of
Wanting you
to hold me
Kiss me
Tell me that you miss me
Even if it isnt true
I'll still pretend
I'm not
Aware of your cheap trick
Cause when it comes to you
I'm sado-masocistic