Wait for what? Wait for who? I feel like my life is often just an endless wait for something else to happen. Everything feels transitional, expirational, ready to vanish into a new and different existence. I don't really know what I am getting at right now- just in one of those weird moods where I sit here contemplating my life and the choices I've made and the people who I have taken in and those that I have lost.
Do you ever stop and think about the first moment you saw someone that later became the world to you? I was thinking about Ryan the other day, looking at pictures from before he even existed to me, remembering the first moment that we locked eyes in that crowded London bar. My first image of him is standing beside the dance floor, smoking a cigarette and watching me dance. He remembers me before that, as he walked down the staircase and the music stopped and a spotlight pointed me out. He described it like an unrealistic movie moment that I want to imagine happens in reality.
So maybe thats what I am really waiting for... my movie reality. My Meg Ryan moment. A Julia Roberts ending. But instead i just find myself constantly searching, living off impulse and in constant pursuit of something new and beautiful. Something so perfect it can only exist really on the big screen.
If only I could see Ryan again. Wouldn't that be such a beautiful reality? Star-crossed lovers, seperated by the world (or the atlantic ocean to be exact)... a transportationally challenged Romeo and Juliet, if you will, able to find one another again. Of course, I wouldn't even know how to get in touch with him these days.
"Two Drifters Off to see the world There's such a lot of world to see"... I've got Frank Sinatra singing to me in the background and I am suddenly transfixed on the memory of a marble. A simple glass marble that he gave me as a present in the third week of our relationship. "See how the design divides into two seperate lines?" He asked when he gave it to me. "Those represent our lives. And no matter how they twist and turn, tangle in new and everchanging directions, they still end up in the same place. Together. Thats us. Regardless of where life takes us, we'll end up with one another again one day."
Of course, I don't believe in fate. So I'm just waiting for life to prove me wrong on that. Or maybe he isn't my soul mate after all. Maybe all along I've been waiting for the wrong thing.
By the way- I'm not on drugs right now. Just a little tired, lost, and a bit confused about what my life means to me right now. And when I start to not understand, I think back to Ryan, the only thing that I remember being completely certain of right from the first moment we locked eyes in that club and I was instantly aware that one day I would love him.
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