Soul Mates

So, out of boredom (and poverty) the other day, Kelly and I thought it was a fabulous idea to place personal ads on craigslist in order to both be amused by responses and possibly get some free dinners out of it. I myself have found myself with a number of "interesting" responders offering up dinner and drinks for this week. Part of me wants to just give up on the idea but the other part is secretly hoping that I can still find someone out there to complete me...

I know a personal ad seems like the wrong way to go about meeting a "soul mate" but when i really think about it, how is it any worse than being picked up by a drunk guy at a bar? Ryan was supposed to be a one night stand. He was my "i'm in another country so I am going to be wild and crazy and do something I would never do at home." When he walked me to the tube station the next morning, kissed me gooudbye and promised to call I nearly laughed at him out loud. Everyone knows you don't start relationships with the boy you get naked with on night one. This wasn't even a first date... it was a first meeting. Yet, a day later and I knew I was in love. So what's to say that the mockingly pathetic personal ad won't yield the same results. And besides... it makes for a fascinating story, which as I have previously stated is my sole motivation in decision making.

Of course, this gets me thinking of soul mates in general. I never really believed in them. I have never been one to really believe in fate. I claim to be skeptical and cynical yet at the same time I believe that i was destined to meet Ryan. I don't know why he stands out as different from the entirity of my belief system. Maybe because i will never see him again. Maybe because my love for him is about as productive as a my movie star crush on Colin Farrell. Its nice to be able to tell myself that no matter how many relationships come and fail (or never really start at all much to my disappointment), the real reason I cannot find love again is that I had a soul mate and I lost him. Nothing will ever work out because it is part of a greater plan to bring my little South African and I together again at last... Do I actually believe that? Not really. Do I even think I love Ryan anymore? Well, I'm not really in love with him but I like to think that I will always love him... in the way that someone still loves a grandparent that passes away but leaves behind all the beautiful memories of time...

I don't know why this is in my head... or why I am sharing it. I think my job makes me delusional sometimes...

Beautiful mystery

Someone recently wrote me about my Blurb on the myspace page that describes "About Me". Although this is a person I have known for 5 years now he mentioned how it was almost like he knew me better from reading it... Doesn't that just seem fascinating? I think it just goes to show how much simpler it is to open up with who you really are in such an anonymous outlet like the internet. What I wrote in that blurb, none of it was secret, and I would have been happy to describe myself that way at any point... but knowing someone and actually understanding the inner workings are very different things. Rarely in a friendship does the question come up "Why do you think you are the way that you are?"

JSwis is perhaps the only friend I have that knows me inside and out. She understands my drive and motivation. Comprehends the way that I make decisions based on the idea that if I were to die today I would want to think that my life were at least somewhat interesting. That it was a little different than others.

I liked the idea that I fell in love with a South African and moved to London to spend the final months of his visa with him. I wanted the experience of living in sublets and sleeping on a mattress in my friend's living room upon moving to New York- it made the whole thing seem more challenging. I like to struggle. I like people who are different. I love surrounding myself with others that are even more messed up than I am because it makes me feel a bit less unusual but still part of an interesting mini-society.

So, I guess that's the real me. The one I have no trouble acknowledging but few may really know and understand. I once heard this Avril Lavign song that really got to the core of what I am about...

"To walk within the lines would make my life so normal
I want to know that I have been to the extreme
So knock me off my feel
Come on now, give it to me
Anything to make me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out and leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please"

That's me. I want to be anything but ordinary. In middle school I wanted to be a hippie until it became fashionable so I wanted nothing to do with it... I always try to find music before it hits the airwaves. I look to make friends with artists who inspire a different reality in life. I sometimes create various characters and personalities when I go out just for the experience of being someone else.

Perhaps Ben is right... maybe we should all introduce ourselves this way... but then again, sometimes the mystery is just as beautiful...