The mission has begun

I have finally come to the conclusion that i cannot just sit around waiting for some sort of resolution to my Ryan situation. i'm tired and i'm lonely. i don't want to have to wait forever for something that may not even be there anymore.

i took the first step today. i called tyronne at his work in london. i don't know his number and i hadn't heard back from my emails to him. i googled the paul smith shop in covent garden to get the number. i called this afternoon to see if he was possibly at work. he was there. i apoligised for disturbing him at work.i explained that ryan called my parents' house looking to get in touch with me and left a message on the answering machine without his own contact number. i wanted tyronne to make sure he got my number. he said he was texting ryan's dad after work for ryan's new number anyway and he would send my number along as well.

step 1 complete. i think i'll give him a week to call me before trying tyronne again to get ryan's number.

i would rather not push the tyronne card too far. don't want his friend's all thinking i'm crazy. although when i saw tyronne in london, he knew without my saying how i still felt. we had chatted for a minute and then he just looked at me and said "you still love him." i was a bit thrown off guard. i just kind of mumbled i didn't really know anymore but i have no idea whether that was convincing. he still loves me though, i know it. when i asked ty if ryan was seeing anyone he just laughed. "ryan is always single" he told me. "he hasn't dated anyone else since you." i asked what about his friend tamsin whom i heard he dated for a week. he told me it was more like two days and then ryan ended it abruptly.

i also have one of our investors who happens to live in cape town searching for him. i provided cecil with ryan's full name (ryan christopher williams) and former employment (bartender at mount nelson). he told me if he had been at the mount nelson he should be pretty easy to track down. he probably is. i've just been too afraid to do it myself.

it has gottent to a strange point where little by little he ceases to exist. i don't have his number. i don't have greg's number. when my apartment was robbed the video recording i had of us in london was taken with the camera. all i have is still image photos and those are not the same. they could be anyone. i have pictures of colin farrell doesn't mean he exists to me. the video was different. it was us. it was us living out a life together at a moment in time. that tape was our love. maybe i should take it as a sign to give up. i took it as a sign to finally start trying.

How long can one be expected to stay at a job where everyday you are treated like a complete idiot? How many times can you be told to "keep your fucking mouth shut" before you feel the need to speak up? How much of yourself can you be willing to sacrifice just to have the free trips (which are hardly vacations) and the powerful connections? Is it worth it? Am I strong enough to stick it out? Or is strength having the ability to actually walk away?

Ryan called me...

Thats it... too much shock to write...

Any day now...

French Riviera in only 2 days. Barely had time to plan my own trip being so busy making sure everyone else was set. The life of an assistant really teaches how to make yourself the smallest priority in life. At least I have my dress which is a plus. Still need the shoes though. And the rest of my suitcase since right now i have nothing. Made friends with the designer Anne Bowen (www.annebowen.com) though and she is giving me sample pieces which is a major plus. That's my trade off. I get her a hotel room and she provides me with designer clothing. Not too bad really.

Party guest list so far is looking nice. Kenneth Cole was the first to RSVP. Morgan Freeman has now confirmed as well. Billy Zane is pretty much a given. Waiting for an answer on Peter Sarsgaard, Maggie Gyllenhall, Alexander Paine, Patricia Clarkson, Campbell Scott and I don't even remember who else. Shemekia Copeland, of course, is performing. I'm still pushing to get in touch with Colin Farrell. Thats my new goal in life... is that even a goal? I just want to touch him. He reminds me of Ryan so I love him.

One of our investors is a South African billionaire who has "more money than King Midas" (which I think was the storybook guy that turned everything he touched to gold). He calls the office daily to check in with me even though we've never met. The fact that I told him i wanted to go to South Africa more than anywhere in the world seemed to really strike a chord with him. Now I am his new best friend it seems. He even offered to fly me out there. It would be the most amazing thing anyone could ever do for me I think. Give me that chance to see Ryan since I am not in a financial position to head out there myself. We're supposed to speak about it in France over cappucinos.

Sometimes I feel shocked that this is actually my life right now. I only finished school a year ago. If anyone told me that a year later I would be getting an all-expense paid trip to the Cannes Film Festival in order to plan a private party at the exclusive Hotel du Cap and attend the celebrity infested amfAR gala which my company is co-sponsoring I think I would have told them they were clearly on crack. I don't even feel like I am the same person anymore- its too hard to imagine all this going on around ME. Its difficult to explain.

I'm so lonely though.