The mission has begun

I have finally come to the conclusion that i cannot just sit around waiting for some sort of resolution to my Ryan situation. i'm tired and i'm lonely. i don't want to have to wait forever for something that may not even be there anymore.

i took the first step today. i called tyronne at his work in london. i don't know his number and i hadn't heard back from my emails to him. i googled the paul smith shop in covent garden to get the number. i called this afternoon to see if he was possibly at work. he was there. i apoligised for disturbing him at work.i explained that ryan called my parents' house looking to get in touch with me and left a message on the answering machine without his own contact number. i wanted tyronne to make sure he got my number. he said he was texting ryan's dad after work for ryan's new number anyway and he would send my number along as well.

step 1 complete. i think i'll give him a week to call me before trying tyronne again to get ryan's number.

i would rather not push the tyronne card too far. don't want his friend's all thinking i'm crazy. although when i saw tyronne in london, he knew without my saying how i still felt. we had chatted for a minute and then he just looked at me and said "you still love him." i was a bit thrown off guard. i just kind of mumbled i didn't really know anymore but i have no idea whether that was convincing. he still loves me though, i know it. when i asked ty if ryan was seeing anyone he just laughed. "ryan is always single" he told me. "he hasn't dated anyone else since you." i asked what about his friend tamsin whom i heard he dated for a week. he told me it was more like two days and then ryan ended it abruptly.

i also have one of our investors who happens to live in cape town searching for him. i provided cecil with ryan's full name (ryan christopher williams) and former employment (bartender at mount nelson). he told me if he had been at the mount nelson he should be pretty easy to track down. he probably is. i've just been too afraid to do it myself.

it has gottent to a strange point where little by little he ceases to exist. i don't have his number. i don't have greg's number. when my apartment was robbed the video recording i had of us in london was taken with the camera. all i have is still image photos and those are not the same. they could be anyone. i have pictures of colin farrell doesn't mean he exists to me. the video was different. it was us. it was us living out a life together at a moment in time. that tape was our love. maybe i should take it as a sign to give up. i took it as a sign to finally start trying.