Stories and Cigarettes: February 2009

Ryan and I both had copies of this photo. I made doubles of all my pictures when I got back to America and sent him everything I had. This was always one of my favorites, in fact it still sits in a frame in my room to this day.

The interesting thing about my framed copy however is that it's actually HIS copy of the photo, a fact he doesn't know. When I moved back to London the following summer Ryan and I lived together. We shared a teeny tiny little bedroom, with a bunk bed. One day I was trying to organize our mess of belongings while he was at work when I came across a box of photos. He had written on the back of all the photos I had sent him from the previous summer. Mostly just with the names or places of those in the picture. But this one was special. It read:

"Dinner with Amit and Kat on our second double date. Emily is so gorgeous. I love her so much."

It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen, in part because he had no idea I would ever see it so I knew it wasn't something that was merely said as flattery, for my benefit.

So I switched the photos. I gave him my copy and I kept the one he had scrawled those words upon. It is one of my very favorite possessions.

Just yesterday I found out some very exciting news. Now brace yourself for eye rolling cause this information may just cause such a reaction:

Colin Farrell and his girlfriend broke up!

First of all, I hated his girlfriend to begin with. Well, perhaps hate is a strong word but in this instance my normal venomous feelings towards Colin's significant others were intensified by the fact that I KNEW this woman. Emma Forrest is a British author who in 2007 released a book of essays called Damage Control. Yours truly was a publicist for this book.

Now most of my interactions with Emma were via email, with the occasional phone call here and there, but I still didn't necessarily like her. Some authors can be incredibly friendly and generous while others can be an enormous, complaining pain the ass. Emma was in neither of these categories. What I didn't like about her was her tone. She came across as a bit patronizing. She was friendly in a way that you could tell she was faking it. And although she was a writer from the UK she ran with a Hollywood crowd. Minnie Driver was her close friend (and a contributor to the book). She insisted the launch party in LA had to be held at the Chateau Marmont where they "simply adore" her. It all just always seemed so contrived.

So when I read the gossip last year that Colin and Emma were settling down together I nearly died. It was too close. He could not possibly be involved with someone I knew and disliked! It was not fair!

Let's step back for a second so I can explain my uncharacteristic celebrity obsession with Colin Farrell. The story is actually quite simple and I've been known to hold on to things for far more trivial reasons.

It began with a picture. With Britney Spears. In the fall of 2002 I loved me some Britney, it was Slave 4U days and to me she was the ultimate in hot.

The funny part of course being that I didn't like any other pop or dance artists. I still really don't like anything of the same genre. But I still love Britney. See, I told you I hold on to random things.

Anyhow, Colin brought Britney as his date to the premiere of The Recruit, an incredibly smart move for an actor that was not too well known at the time. Suddenly Colin was everywhere. That photo of him with his arm slung around America's Pop Princess (the same year she broke up with Justin mind you, so the media was all up in arms over her love life) found its way to EVERY SINGLE news program and gossip rag.

Which is when my mom said something that began it all, "That guy in those pictures with Britney really looks a lot like your boyfriend." I stared at the picture in my US Weekly. How could I have not seen it before? This Colin Farrell guy looked just like Ryan! The spiky hair and dark bushy eyebrows, the jawline, the cheekbones. They really did have something similar going on.

Not too long after that Ryan and I broke up because of the long distance. And I did what every logical girl would do in my situation. I became hopelessly in love with Colin Farrell.

The following summer I had moved back to London so Ryan and I could be together. One evening we were at a bar with our friends Greg and Grace when the conversation turned to celebrity crushes.

"I am obsessed with Colin Farrell." I stated.

"So if Colin walked into the bar right now and wanted to sleep with you, you'd do it?" Greg asked.

"Obviously."

Ryan slammed down his drink. "That's fucked up!" He was furious. "Really fucked up of you! How could you say that in front of me?"

I was a bit confused by the reaction, especially when I knew that the only reason I loved Colin Farrell so much was that he reminded me of the person in real life with whom I was actually in love. "Ry, its a hypothetical. Colin Farrell isn't really going to walk in here right now and proposition me."

"But what if he did?"

"But he won't! Besides, he doesn't count. Everyone knows you get to pick a free celebrity get-out-of-your-relationship-card." This was not what he wanted to hear. His face turned bright red and I swear smoke poured from his ears in the way they do in cartoons.

"If Natalie Portman walked up to me right now and wanted a quick go around I would tell her NO. I have a girlfriend!"

I couldn't help it. This made me laugh (and not only because for many years I had been compared to Natalie, so Ryan had chosen unconsciously my lookalike as I had chosen his). "Ryan, if Natalie Portman were to desperately want to sleep with you, I'd say go for it. I could tell all my friends my man banged Natalie Portman!" Suffice it to say, this did not comfort him in the slightest and Greg had to finally take him outside for some fresh air.

After my brief stint in London Ryan and I broke up again. He moved back to South Africa and I was back in the US. We stayed in touch a little the first year and then the following summer, at a pay phone in Chicago, we said goodbye for what would be a long time.

Over the two years we didn't speak my love for Colin Farrell grew exponentially. When I found myself living in New York, associating with people who knew this man I loved, I would often joke that I had more of a chance of sleeping with Colin than seeing Ryan again. And I honestly believed that (it even

tually proved to not be true when I flew to South Africa to visit Ryan).

One time my mom came to visit me in NYC. I had an office job at the time so she would fill her days wondering the city shopping while I put in my hours at work. "I saw a man on the street today that you would have loved," she told me one evening over dinner. "He was so perfectly your type that I actually almost stopped him just to set you up. I thought you'd be embarrassed though so I held myself back."

"Are you kidding, Mom? This is me! I don't get embarrassed over anything! Next time stop the sexy man!"

A week or so later my mom called. "I was glancing through my People Magazine earlier and I saw a picture of the man I saw on the street that day, same outfit, dated when I was visiting. It was Colin Farrell."

I loved that my mom once again saw him and knew I would love him.

So now he's thankfully single again. I have to say, I was a little worried this one would last and my chances would be over. In 2006 there was a rumor that he married some co-star while filming in New York, I wore black to work the next day in honor of the death of my dream. The rumor proved untrue and my fantasy future was restored. Until Emma. Who I knew and disliked. Who lasted over a year. Who was spotted in a pharmacy buying pregnancy tests. I really thought this time it would be over.

But Colin is free again! Someone out there hook a sister up already!

Stories and Cigarettes

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Sexiest Movie Scene of All Time

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

I Hate that I don't Hate You

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

An old photo memory

Monday, February 16, 2009

My Delusion

Slacker

Saturday, February 14, 2009

I Hate Valentine's Day by Jewel

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