I spend a lot of time writing about how I used to write but now I don't write except to write about not writing as much as I used to write and so on.
And it confuses me. Am I no longer inspired? Have I lost my ability to form interesting sentences? Or am I frightened that what I write won't be as good as I want it to be and therefore by not putting it on paper (or my computer screen) I can continue to pretend that I'm full of fascinating world observations and stories that I just don't have time to sit down and put into words? I'm thinking it's mostly the latter.
I've never really been able to understand exactly why I'm so insecure because when it comes to rational thought I actually do think I'm pretty great. I've just never really understood how to convince myself that I have the ability to make others believe that as well.
I'm a good looking person, I've always been told that I'm intelligent, creative, interesting and talented. And yet I can't make myself internalize that. I second guess every decision. Panic when I have present any piece of work. Did I do it correctly? Will they judge me? Think to themselves how silly and stupid I must really be? I had a full on anxiety attack the other day in an attempt to make a birthday card. Why do I give in to fear this way?
I spend most of my waking hours creating prose in my head. I'm constantly rewriting every moment into fiction, reworking conversations, imagining the inner dialogue. But I'm petrified to write it down. Because what if it's just plain not good enough? What if I try things and try things and never become really good at anything?
Is it worse to fail at everything or succeed at nothing for lack of effort?
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2 comments:
Beautiful Em--
I don't know if you really intended to have anyone read this post or if you had hoped for any kind of a response, but here I am sitting at my computer editing a fiction sample, and I stumbled upon it. Below is my off-the-cuff feedback... seriously, take it or leave it!
As writers, we ALL go through this. There are stories, and there are stories worth telling. Some characters in our lives (us included, at times) are not characters that capture a reader on paper or screen. Sometimes the witticisms, irony, and intrigue of our own little lives have limited interest. I don't think this is the heart of the discussion, though.
What really matters is that we have the courage to do it because if we didn't do it, we wouldn't be us. I genuinely don't write because I like it and certainly not because I think I'm educating/inspiring/entertaining others. I write because if I didn't, I wouldn't be me.
You are a creative person in search of a canvas. Maybe it's fiction, maybe it's decor, maybe it's fashion, maybe it's in the way that you perfect that birthday card or cut funky shapes into your sandwiches. Get cocky. Get selfish. See passion for what it is: something YOU love to do. The sooner you realize that you don't do whatever it is for someone else, the sooner you'll be liberated to do it honestly.
It didn't take me a long time to find my voice as a friend, daughter, sister, or woman, but it did take me a long time to find my voice as a writer. (I'm still discovering it in new ways and hope this always continues.) Give yourself the freedom to write something cliche, trivial, whatever. Somewhere, even in the most horrific manuscript, is a nugget of truth. One of the most comforting aspects of writing is that we get to REwrite. We are not singers performing in one isolated moment. We are not painters who can ruin a masterpiece in one splatter of black paint. We are the lucky artists! Learn to appreciate this!
Lastly, have faith that you are inherently talented. The insecurity that sometimes torments you may be the very aspect of your being that makes you, and only you, capable of sharing your stories. Harness this personal quality and learn to exploit it creatively.
You are a smart and poignant writer... I can tell from your blog. I hope this note is received in the best way possible, and I hope you know I anticipate coming to you someday for literary guidance. There are good things ahead for you and I look forward to watching them all unfold. In the meantime, know that you have a writerfriend in me, and that I'm always at your disposal.
xo
Abbey
Just a question. If you do, will it be worth that what you feel now ? or can't it be worth ?
Trust me,
1. everybody will still love you even if you are a damn looser writer
2. try and remember why you love write
wish you will be ok
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