I once took a computer graphic course in high school, during the brief period when i desperately thought that working in advertising was my life calling (inspired by some romantic comedy starring Jennifer Aniston). With that in mind, the ability to create art on screen seemed relevant even if now I cannot even figure out how to make this webpage more interesting. We were given various artistic tasks like designing CD covers (my Counting Crows Live from Kalamazoo bootleg cover actually won me a Scholastic art award) and creating comic strips. One project stands out to me though, even afer all these years.
We were asked to create our own stationary set with an image representative of our selves. People plotted out their initials, designed floral patterns and celestrial images. I thought long and hard about how to artistically represent myself. For weeks I worked to develop the image that I thought spoke volumes about who I really was. And in the end I designed the type of mask that one would model to a masquerade ball.
I thought of myself and knew the real me was the one I delicately hid from the world.
Halloween was always my favorite holiday growing up and not only for the candy. Even now, I am intrigued by the allure of the night but not because I desperately want an excuse to wear my underwear in public while getting beligerantly intoxicated. I have always loved the idea that for one night of the year it is encouraged, if not downright socially demanded, that we become anyone other than ourselves. Its granting permission to forget the self that is lonely or the self that feels insecure. On Halloween I got to be someone other than myself. And that is magical.
But when I stop to think about it, am I really me on a regular basis anyway? Do I even know who "me" is? I am Emily. I am 25 years old. I live in New York. What does this mean? I hide my feelings, I create my own realities and believe only what I want to believe. I have successfully sculpted my world mentally into a fictional universe. And my character is merely who I want the world to see.
Maybe next Halloween I will go as myself, and it will be the greatest disguise I wear all year long...
Currently listening to: Nick Drake
Currently reading: On Beauty
Currently feeling: okay
About Me
- allsexandphilosophy
- I am a hopeless romantic disguised as a cynic. I make fun of those in love but wish that someone would love me... Not that i would be able to return that love necessarily. I am convinced that life can work out like the movies and I sometimes make decisions based on what would be the most interesting addition were my life a piece of fictional entertainment. I often tell myself that i am on a quest for a "life less ordinary." I am looking for something different, something new. I have this nasty little habit of over-analyzing ever situation i put myself into. I often wonder if I was born into the wrong soul. I want to be an artist, live like an artist, love like an artist, thrive and yearn and die like an artist but I dont have the talent. Or the courage. Some people think i'm a bitch. I think they just misunderstood. Some people think i am too nice. I think they are too mean. Someday someone will save me from me and will let me save them in return.
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