A history lesson

Written circa January 2003

Why do we bother to learn history? It's in the past, right? What is done; is done. As much as we may wish sometimes for the ability to go back in time, we can never change what has already happened. So why take the time at all?

We learn history in an effort to understand the past to allow for a better future. We take away the hardships, mistakes, consequences and rewards to be used as tools of knowledge for situations to come. The past is merely a template to alter as necessary for the future.

But sometimes, when it comes to relationships we find ourselves on far too familiar stomping grounds. Unable to learn from the mistakes of the past, our dating patterns are often repetitive. It is as if there is a certain "déjà voodoo" curse at work here, bringing us back to the familiar battlefields of relationships past. And as human beings we are often damned to repeat the past due to an inherent longing for the recognizable in life. And until we take the time to finally learn, destiny forces us to make the same mistakes over and over.

A few years back I found myself in a particularly difficult relationship, a term I use lightly since technically we were never officially anything. Blinded by my own shockingly intense feeling for the Boy I took no notice to all the obvious signs that things were never going to work out the way I wanted them to.

I knew I was unhappy though. I knew I wanted more than a casual thing. Furthermore, when I stopped romanticizing long enough to take a look at my surroundings, I knew that where we were was nowhere near the destination I imagined us reaching. I was scared though. I was afraid of what I didn't know. Frightened that if I asked the questions that were haunting me, the truth would be an answer I was not ready to hear.

Deep down I knew all along that Boy and I were going to part on bitter terms. In fact, in retrospect I was hardly surprised the night he called things off. "Things between us have gotten far too intense," he told me in a matter of fact way that seemed inappropriate given the contradictory perception that I had of our time together. But with these words the vision of our one-day perfect relationship shattered, crashing down around me.

The right thing for me to do at that point was simply sweep up the pieces, throw them in the trash, and dispose of this unhealthy fantasy. I took the masochistic approach however as I continued to walk barefoot in the shards of glass, thriving on the pain, and believing that if I kept at it long enough eventually I would just grow numb.

Since then I have attempted on numerous occasions to unsuccessfully rekindle the flames of the past. And with each ego bruise I quickly conceal and cry of hurt I stifle, I cannot help but wonder whether I learned the right lessons. Blinded by the power of the déjà voodoo curse, I find myself caught in a cycle of reverting to the familiar with Boy. No matter how many emotional scars he leaves upon me, I allow myself to believe that eventually we will work out.

I have not walked away from this without some bits of knowledge, however. Through these trials, I admit that I have gained a greater understanding of Boy, what he wants and what scares him away. I comprehend his flightiness and I don't see his insincerity as calculated or intentionally hurtful. I have learned how to hold back what I want and how I feel in order to keep him in my life. But I'm beginning to wonder if learning how to act differently, to be someone else, was the wrong message to have taken from all of this.

In the end, it is perhaps not as important that we recognize the need to learn from the past but rather that we take the time to understand what to do with the information we have retained. For what we take away from relationships is often as important as the relationship itself.

Milan Kundera once wrote, "Human time does not turn in a circle, it runs ahead in a straight line. That is why man cannot be happy: happiness is a longing for repetition." Perhaps he was right. Perhaps man will remain unhappy while he is too weak to let go of what is familiar. To move ahead with life is a scary step but the important thing is to recognize what is worth trying again for and what needs to be left a distant memory.

Currently listening to: August and Everything After
Currently feeling: thoughtful