Character drop

OK, I've changed my mind. When it comes down to it, the Isaac stuff isn't nearly as fun to write about as the other boys. His significance in my life revolving mostly on the fact that he left.

Its all probably something I should be telling my therapist about, if I ever finally start seeing a therapist rather than simply spill my issues on the world wide web. Basically, the change Isaac made on me is something that I understand now, looking back, reading my thoughts from that time. Then I merely thought I had my heart broken for the first time.

But the thing was, I never actually loved Isaac. And as many times as he told me he loved me, I don't really believe he ever did. Not that he was insincere. He was just such a lost and lonely boy that he was desperate to be in love. And I filled some kind of safe void for him. Because I would never hurt him, I didn't exist in the same world as him. While his home life was crumbling, his parents practically drinking themselves to death, having affairs, attempting suicide, leaving him and his brother to fend for themselves, his fantasy life created around me was a safe haven. When his high school girlfriend broke his heart because he was too depressed to be around, when he dropped out of college cause he couldn't will himself to care about a future, I was always there on the other end of the email or the phone. Comforting him.

He would send me these words:

"I have never felt more alone and sad in my entire life. I know that I'm not alone but I have pushed everyone out. I don't have any direction and I don't know what to do... I'm not looking for pity but these are the thoughts that run through my head all the time. That's why I thought of you the other day. I was trying to remember a time when I was really happy. When I felt worth something. Like I meant something to someone... I never thought, until I met you, that I could open up to a someone and let them know me. I felt an overwhelming attraction to you, both physically and on a person to person basis. You and I seemed to be on the same wavelength, I could go on forever... I meant what I said when I told you I love you. And I know if we were together I know I would fall completely in love with you."

And it was this devotion he had towards me that let me trust him. Let me pretend in the way he did that whatever else was going on in our lives, we had this one magical, amazing connection that transcended all else.

Before Isaac's departure from my life in the winter of my freshman year of college, I was a hopeful, naive, and trusting young girl. My journal was filled with endless crushes that came and went, declarations of love for boys I don't even remember, ego bruises, rejection, a gambit of emotions. The enthusiasm I had before Isaac has never appeared in my journals again. The word love was never uttered again til Ryan, and never since. When I look back on the beginning of my relationship with Peter, who entered my life only a couple months following the Isaac fall, its strange to see how little life I put into my feelings. How guarded my words became. I never trusted him nor did I confuse my interest in him as love. I assumed he would hurt me before things even began. And I was always one foot out the door. Ready to run.

And its the same way now, this insecurity, a fear of being hurt that causes me to sabotage potential before its off the ground. Perhaps we all go through this one catastrophic change in our formative years. I suppose my experience is no different then most. We've all had our hearts broken, there wouldn't be pop music or chick flicks without that common human bond. But what I find interesting is the evidence of the change. Its amazing to me that I wrote it down. That I can recognize the change in tone, in diction (or maybe that's from too many lit courses for my English major). That I am able to look back and see where my life took a sudden turn.

To this day, I don't think I've ever felt as completely torn apart as the night things changed between he and I. And I doubt I'll ever fully heal. Perhaps one day I'll actually write about the night it happened. For now I'd rather not relive the whole experience too in depth.

A year or two ago I found Isaac on myspace. I dropped him a brief note, sending my best. He wrote back:

"I was wondering how long it would be before we met on myspace. I appreciate you reaching out to me and making contact. Considering our mishaps, I'm glad that you are willing to contact me.
That night at western... well actually, I was too far gone up to remember it. I can wager that I was probably a jerk, and sought things of you that you were not willing to give. And I deeply apologise. It is because of nights like that, and there were many that I was out of my mind and body, that I gave up drinking. Its a poison for me that has so negatively affected my life."

We never wrote again. It was all that needed to be said and I'm relieved that his life has gone in a better direction.