My "personal" sign

Kelly looked up my "personal" sign based on name and birthdate... It is pretty much exactly how i would, and have, described myself before...

"Emily is an unsung hero, an undiscovered genius...and an unknown quantity. It is because Emily is such an unknown quantity that her heroism goes unsung and her genius undiscovered. Some people will blow their own trumpets from the highest hill even when those trumpets are battered and badly out of tune. Emily is rather the opposite. No matter how bright the light inside her shines, she will always find a bushel big enough to hide it under.

Emily wants to be thought of as stable, steady and solid. She tries her best to do what the world expects of her, she wants to be a trooper - a loyal, reliable, down-to-earth kind of character. In the attempt to give this impression Emily strives to be modest, restrained and realistic. She almost succeeds. Through diligent effort Emily manages to persuade herself and the rest of the watching world that she is a known quantity. At best she will allow herself to be known for her talent in one particular area or for her courage with regard to one particular topic.

The trouble is Emily is a Capricorn and Capricorns, despite all that some astrologers say, are always unknown quantities. Deep down inside Emily yearns to be wild and crazy, footloose and fancy-free. She wants to break the rules, question convention and court controversy. Only one thing stops her - a little voice in the back of her head that says "Excuse me, who do you think you are? That's not the kind of activity that Emily can get away with." If you want to be a true friend to Emily you must encourage her to ignore that voice. She will love you for it and she won't need much encouraging.

Emily was born to be brilliant. She was destined to be daring. One day she will realise this and then...the world had better look out."

Holiday spirit

For someone as unemotive and cynical as I can often be, I have no quams when it comes to getting into the holiday spirit. I adore Christmas, probably just as much as i did when I was a little child still believing in Santa Claus.

Its not even the gifts, or the lights. Its not really even the trees or the songs. Its the energy. There is something in the air this time of year that feeds me. Shows me how starved i have been for the rest of the year. Why cant this feeling last? Why cant i love the way i do now, everyday?

A couple weeks back i spent all my money trying to make my apartment into a winter wonderland of sorts. I bought a tree, lights, stockings, poinsetta, candy canes, santa hats, the whole shabang. I've picked up a couple holiday CDs and play them on continual rotation. Its the one time that i will be openly cheesy and i cant get enough of it.

Nothing to say...

I have had nothing interesting to say lately although i no doubt am overflowing with interesting thoughts and ideas... why are some spaces in time so easy to fill with pages of emotionally charged nonsensical speak and others hold no promise of creative reflection?

wow- that was almost interestingly thought provoking in itself...

almost...

Trying to figure it all out...

I am a lost child. Confused, alone, broken.

I dont want to feel this way. Dont want to continue to be afraid of how life will disappoint me next. I want so bad to just love life. I want to feel its intensity and embrace each moment. But I feel sometimes like Life will not let me. Doesnt want me. Denies me acceptance to the things I want so desperately to feel.

I want so bad to be in love. Perhaps that is why I hold on so tightly to my memories of Ryan. He was such a true, pure thing in my life. I loved him without fear, completely uncompromising, as one would love their own child. Why cant I find that again? I know I cannot go on loving Ryan alone forever, and yet it scares me not to. The thought of not loving anyone... I will be the emotionless vessel that i am trying desperately to not become.

I just want life to open up for me again. I want to be moved. I need to be inspired. Before I surrender completely to being nothing...

Inspiration

While I cannot take credit for writing this, I do feel proud to have inspired it... Thanks Kel...

cigarettes and ny fire escapes...

last night i had a date on my fire escape...
cigarettes and intense, soulful conversation...
she asks herself... who am i? where am i going? how can i inspire those around me?
she doesn't realize these are questions you are supposed to ask yourself on this journey we call LIFE...
she doesn't realize you're not supposed to know the answers...
she doesn't realize she is already on this journey...
she's afraid... be afraid little one...
embrace the struggle... face the challenge... let life kick you while you are down...
will you surrender? will you be defeated?
no... she is too strong for that... she is too smart for that... she just doesn't know...
its time... its time...
now ask yourself... ?

Filling the void

Lately I feel empty. Its not even that I am sad or unhappy... I am nothing. Part of me thinks that is even worse.

I have become emotionless. Things dont feel like they happen by me or to but rather just simply around me. I am not touched. I am not hurt. I am not joyed. I am not pained. These days I just am...

Is it New York that is doing this to me? Kelly's friend told her the other day that we have become part of the "Metropolitan Abyss." There's nothing shocking, nothing interesting, nothing immoral or disloyal... things just are...

My best friend growing up told me yesterday that she didnt think we had much in common anymore and didnt see the point in even talking. Have i changed that much? The comment hurt me more than anything had in a long time, probably cause it made me realize just how vacant I had become. I am ashamed of myself and my unfeeling nature. And the worst thing about it is, I almost dont really see whats is so wrong with it...

I have become the empty shell in the city. Like so many other souls wandering the streets I no longer blink at the strangness of people around me, I hardly notice when I am gawked at or hollered to, I cannot be bothered to slow my pace on a crowded sidewalk. I have become nothing. No more than another city dweller trying to survive in a place that will literally eat you alive if you take anything to seriously.

There seems no way around it. If I had emotions, surely I would have abandoned New York by now. If I knew how to be affected I would have been knocked down enough times now to feel that something was not right.

But I can't feel a thing. My life has become a vast wasteland and I simply sit back and allow the emptiness to wash upon me each passing day until they all blend together into one...

Ryan

He makes me so happy...

We haven't seen each other in almost 2 years and we stopped speaking for close to 1 year and yet he still makes me happier than anyone else possibly could. Just having him in my life makes me more of an optimist. Makes me believe in love. Trust in the world. Not feel so completely lost.

If Ryan and I can be so close again, i think i could have faith that anything really is possible...

Unemployment

Lost my job yesterday. i think i should be really upset. or reeling with anger... and yet all i really feel is relief. like this incredible burden has finally been lifted from my shoulders. i have hated every single day of my life since getting back from france and have been way too weak to do anything about it.

it was like in high school when i wanted to break up with someone but couldnt face the confrontation i would just try to make them break it off with me. and i will admit, since becoming disillusioned with the job and my boss, i have not put in the time and energy that i used to.

i hated being there. i woke up each morning dreading the day. i felt i spent my life trying to distance myself from my job. leaving for weekends. not volunteering to stay late. i wanted to be far away. i had even begun my search for a new job weeks ago, sending out resumes and having dinner meetings with potential contacts. so its a gooud thing. a bruise to my already fragile ego but a blessing in the long run. staying at that company would have only continued to harden me and i like being a nice midwest girl. i dont want to have to trick people, and win them over. i dont believe in infidelity. i dont want to support immoral behavior or be dragged into it.

i think i will dye my hair red tomorrow and get a new tattoo. its time for the real me to come back. this is a gooud change, a fresh start... right?

I feel complete

Ryan and I spoke yesterday. It was the first conversation we have had since the 4th of July (our would-be anniversary) last year when i called from that busy Chicago street, using a payphone cause my phonecard wouldn't work with my mobile. And it was like speaking to a whole different person.

A year ago was a struggle for conversation. I would ask how he was- "Fine"... how is his family "Ok"... how is work "Going back to school"... There was nothing there but silences and unspoken conversations that i could feel but hardly comprehend. When we were ready to hang up, the tears streaming down my face i apoligized for calling saying that I won't call anymore. "No, its fine. I'm glad you did," he assured. "I just mean there's no real point to it though anymore, is there?" I asked. "No. There really isn't." And that was it. Our final goodbye.

Until now.

It was a real conversation. An actual 30 minutes of back and forth talk. We laughed and joked, told stories, and did the basic catch-up. We didn't get sentimental with words and I didn't even have to try to hold back tears. It was just a nice coversation. And it makes me feel as though a huge weight has been lifted.

I feel like I may actually be able to get on with my life finally now. Being able to maintain a friendship, or just any form of contact relieves so much of the pain that I have been holding in for these past two years. I needed to know that I was not alone. That he missed me and thought of me. That even if we never end up together again, we both know how special what we had was. I didn't want to go on believing that I was the only one who cared, the only one who hurt, the only one still feeling the effects of our relationship. And i needed to know that it was ok to miss him still. I needed to know that there wasn't something wrong with me for still missing him so much after so long. And I asked him that in the end of the email I wrotre after he and I hung up the phone...

"PS- I miss you. I hope its ok for me to say that..."

I woke up this morning with an email back, subject line "Of course its alright" and then it went on to say in the letter "Just want to let you know that of course it is alright for you to say that you miss me and i miss you too! there is nothing wrong with that cause that is just the way the world works my dear" I missed the way he writes in the way he talks, an endless ramble lacking most punctuations other than exclamation points!!!! He is such like a child and I always loved him for that.

The mission has begun

I have finally come to the conclusion that i cannot just sit around waiting for some sort of resolution to my Ryan situation. i'm tired and i'm lonely. i don't want to have to wait forever for something that may not even be there anymore.

i took the first step today. i called tyronne at his work in london. i don't know his number and i hadn't heard back from my emails to him. i googled the paul smith shop in covent garden to get the number. i called this afternoon to see if he was possibly at work. he was there. i apoligised for disturbing him at work.i explained that ryan called my parents' house looking to get in touch with me and left a message on the answering machine without his own contact number. i wanted tyronne to make sure he got my number. he said he was texting ryan's dad after work for ryan's new number anyway and he would send my number along as well.

step 1 complete. i think i'll give him a week to call me before trying tyronne again to get ryan's number.

i would rather not push the tyronne card too far. don't want his friend's all thinking i'm crazy. although when i saw tyronne in london, he knew without my saying how i still felt. we had chatted for a minute and then he just looked at me and said "you still love him." i was a bit thrown off guard. i just kind of mumbled i didn't really know anymore but i have no idea whether that was convincing. he still loves me though, i know it. when i asked ty if ryan was seeing anyone he just laughed. "ryan is always single" he told me. "he hasn't dated anyone else since you." i asked what about his friend tamsin whom i heard he dated for a week. he told me it was more like two days and then ryan ended it abruptly.

i also have one of our investors who happens to live in cape town searching for him. i provided cecil with ryan's full name (ryan christopher williams) and former employment (bartender at mount nelson). he told me if he had been at the mount nelson he should be pretty easy to track down. he probably is. i've just been too afraid to do it myself.

it has gottent to a strange point where little by little he ceases to exist. i don't have his number. i don't have greg's number. when my apartment was robbed the video recording i had of us in london was taken with the camera. all i have is still image photos and those are not the same. they could be anyone. i have pictures of colin farrell doesn't mean he exists to me. the video was different. it was us. it was us living out a life together at a moment in time. that tape was our love. maybe i should take it as a sign to give up. i took it as a sign to finally start trying.

How long can one be expected to stay at a job where everyday you are treated like a complete idiot? How many times can you be told to "keep your fucking mouth shut" before you feel the need to speak up? How much of yourself can you be willing to sacrifice just to have the free trips (which are hardly vacations) and the powerful connections? Is it worth it? Am I strong enough to stick it out? Or is strength having the ability to actually walk away?

Ryan called me...

Thats it... too much shock to write...

Any day now...

French Riviera in only 2 days. Barely had time to plan my own trip being so busy making sure everyone else was set. The life of an assistant really teaches how to make yourself the smallest priority in life. At least I have my dress which is a plus. Still need the shoes though. And the rest of my suitcase since right now i have nothing. Made friends with the designer Anne Bowen (www.annebowen.com) though and she is giving me sample pieces which is a major plus. That's my trade off. I get her a hotel room and she provides me with designer clothing. Not too bad really.

Party guest list so far is looking nice. Kenneth Cole was the first to RSVP. Morgan Freeman has now confirmed as well. Billy Zane is pretty much a given. Waiting for an answer on Peter Sarsgaard, Maggie Gyllenhall, Alexander Paine, Patricia Clarkson, Campbell Scott and I don't even remember who else. Shemekia Copeland, of course, is performing. I'm still pushing to get in touch with Colin Farrell. Thats my new goal in life... is that even a goal? I just want to touch him. He reminds me of Ryan so I love him.

One of our investors is a South African billionaire who has "more money than King Midas" (which I think was the storybook guy that turned everything he touched to gold). He calls the office daily to check in with me even though we've never met. The fact that I told him i wanted to go to South Africa more than anywhere in the world seemed to really strike a chord with him. Now I am his new best friend it seems. He even offered to fly me out there. It would be the most amazing thing anyone could ever do for me I think. Give me that chance to see Ryan since I am not in a financial position to head out there myself. We're supposed to speak about it in France over cappucinos.

Sometimes I feel shocked that this is actually my life right now. I only finished school a year ago. If anyone told me that a year later I would be getting an all-expense paid trip to the Cannes Film Festival in order to plan a private party at the exclusive Hotel du Cap and attend the celebrity infested amfAR gala which my company is co-sponsoring I think I would have told them they were clearly on crack. I don't even feel like I am the same person anymore- its too hard to imagine all this going on around ME. Its difficult to explain.

I'm so lonely though.

Back from London

I have returned from the Motherland (ie England) with a new perspective on my life abroad. Alright, perhaps it isn't a new perspective... but I was able to see London through new eyes as opposed to those of the hopelessly devoted and pathetically in love. Know what I found? I really do love that city- not just my memory of Ryan as a part of my life there but i honestly love being there, in a way i cannot quite explain.

When I went to LA over the Oscar's I admit I had a nice time. The weather was beautiful (which in February is enough to win anyone over), the streets were pristine (remember, i was staying in Beverly Hills mind you), and it was amazing to spend time with Jules. But the whole weekend I missed New York and couldn't wait to get back to my city. It was different being in London. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay and continue to mold a new and beautiful existence there. I longed to walk through the parks, gaze at the monuments and feel that entrancing sense of history that exists in europe in a way that it will never be able to at any spot in the US.

Of course, it helped that I was staying in a 5 star hotel and dining at exclusive restaurants or taking tea at the Lanesborough (tea there is more than fancy dinners elsewhere)... Maybe this version of London has skewed my perceptions of the city. Maybe living there in poverty without Ryan to keep me feeling gooud about my life would make it different... who knows...

As far as my journey to find the people and things that I felt behind two years ago I was far more successful than I expected. On day one I visited Bar 38 (Ryan's former work). It was strange to walk throught those front double doors, part of me almost expecting to look up and see him standing there behind the bar. I had spent such an incredible amount of my freetime in that bar, sipping cappucinos over cigarettes that it gave me such a creepy sense of deja vu to be in there again. Even creepier was not recognizing a single person behind the bar as I used to know them all so well. I asked if anyone had been working long enough to know the whereabouts of any staff from 2 years ago (wow, 2 years, i thought to myself in disbelief as i was saying it). No one was around though and the only information I was offered was that Dario (former manager whose going away party had left me carrying home my ridiculously drunk boyfriend after he practically puked up all over me when we snuck off to mess around in the bathroom) was now married to Claudia (the South African waitress that he was dating in secret when i was there).

So I then figured finding people at their old works was going to be impossible. Who stays at the same restaurant for years at age 20? Abandoning the idea of being reunited with my past I headed back to my hotel to get ready to meet up with Jamie Cullum and his best friend Mark at their local pub.

The next day as Christina (Boss' daughter) and I were wandering Covent Garden I thought maybe I should look into Tyronne's old work. He was Ryan's best friend since childhood in South Africa and I remember he was definately planning on staying in London for gooud. Whether he was still working at Docker's was a long shot. I went in and asked one of the salespeople if they knew the whereabouts of a former South African employee named Tyronne. "Sure," he responded. "Tyronne works just up the street now at Paul Smith." Shocked I headed to the store, only to find them closing for the night. They did inform me though that Tyronne would be in on Tuesday but they could not give out his number.

Later that night, when Vin was dining with Sharon Stone, I took Christina to Rock Garden. Asking the waitress about any information she had on some South African servers from 2 years ago named Pieter, Lucky and Jaco, I was surprised when she pointed to another table and said "Pieter is sitting right over there- he's one of our managers now. The others went back to South Africa about a year ago." Speaking to Pieter I discovered that Michael was still around and actually still working at Brown's. Perhaps I had been wrong about the number of people who were traceable. I figured I would try to find Michael the next day (he was always the favorite of the flatmates) and returned to dinner with Christina. Soon after, Michael coincidentally comes strutting in looking for Pieter. "What are you doing here?" He askes when I approach. "I thought you and Ryan had moved to America." Obviously he hadn't heard from Ryan in a REALLY long time if he was still under that impression. So we all sat around for a bit, smoking cigarettes and reminiscing about that flat in Earl's Court and how often we all wanted to deck Ryan and how poor Michael always ended up in the middle of our fights. It was odd to talk to them and know that Ryan was not just down the street at Bar38 or waiting in the flat on The Cromwell Road with a pint of Ben and Jerry's Cookie Dough for me.

Tuesday was the big one... the visit to Tyronne. The last possible link to Ryan. And as I am terribly tired right now, I will blog it at a later date...

Cheers.

Back to where it all began

My flight leaves tonight at 9:30. I'll do a full day of work before heading to the airport. My anxiety is already starting to set in and yet travel is still hours away. Maybe this will be gooud for me- therapeutic even.

I can't believe when i wake up in the morning I will be in London... and Ryan won't be there with me.

"You sat down next to me, like poetry to wine Our window looked upon a yellow neon sign I took your hand while you decided what to do The only kiss I ever miss, I shared with you The other cities hold a memory still of a place But, when I dream of London, I can only see your face I want you Or no one No one else will do You, or no one No one is the only one To fill the empty space I hold for you You simplified me down to slogans on the wall I took offense, but you were right about them all My friends are telling me I shouldn't waste my time But I can't concentrate until I make you mine I'm drawing cards and making wishes down by the well Who would've known I'd lose myself in that old hotel I want you Or no one No one else for me You, or no one No one else is strong enough To slow me down in time to set me free I want you Or no one No one else is fine Oh, you or no one No one is the only one To fill me up until I make you mine" -Rachel Yamagata

Counting down to Cannes

Sitting at the office, late as usual. I have a date tonight but I hardly care. I am finally starting to get really pumped up for my trip to Cannes in a month.

I had accidentally spoken to Sharon Stone earlier (I called for her assistant and she came to the phone instead to talk to my boss) and later found myself writing a letter to the producer of Basic Instinct 2 in order to get Sharon a couple days off from filming in order to come to our Cannes party. So to find her official amfAR (Cinema Against AIDS foundation with which she is a very active chair) I had to visit the organizations website. Imagine my surprise when I see a picture of my dear little Jamie Cullum! Apparently the AIDS benefit he had performed at in late November (which I met up with him right after at the hotel bar) was actually the annual amfAR gala. Well, this information spiked interest in my boss that he had not had about Jamie previously despite my mentioning his Grammy nomination...

So now Vin wants Jamie to perform at our event! I called my little British jazz boy right after and we spoke for a moment. The idea seemed to really excite him (especially when I mentioned that Vin would like him to meet him and Sharon for dinner in London to discuss the whole thing when he is there in a couple weeks). Yay! I would love if Jamie was involved. It would be great to have a friend around that week, especially one that actually knows a good deal of the celebrity crowd so I won't have to just be the random assistant chilling in the corner. How exciting!

On top of that, my darling friend Ben has recently told me of his move to Geneva in May. As Switzerland is indeed fairly nearby (relatively, at least) to France, I am honestly hoping he may be able to swing down and visit for the weekend while we are at the Four Seasons in Provence. Wouldn't mind visiting Switzerland as well while I'm out there!

Finally, world traveling and me have found each other. Eventual stop- South Africa ;)

at least, in my dreams...

I think i'll move to Australia

Did anyone ever read the book, as a child, called Alexander and the Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day? If you have, my subject line will make a bit more sense... and if you have not than you may still understand what its like to have that terrible of a day.

Its not even like things are going wrong. But there is something about starting the morning off with a cell phone call from your ANGRY boss in France when you haven't even had time to put clothing on post shower let alone have a full cup of coffee that just doesn't make things feel right...

I have such mixed emotions involving my job sometimes cause I, like most people that hear about my work, often get caught up in the perks- the things like free trips to LA and France, expensive dinners, movie premiere's and calls from Sharon Stone. Its hard to really get into how much shit I put up with in order to experience these perks. I'm sorry, but I have no pity for anyone when it comes to work because until you are on call 24 hours a day by a man that likes to curse more frequently than deep sea sailors you will never relate... and more often than not the derogetory remarks are aimed my way. Talk about being cut down day after day. Unfortunately, I like my boss on a regular basis as the charming side of him that helps him land million dollar deals, is just that, completly charming. When he's in a good mood, he's a great guy to be around and most people who have only interacted with him in that type of environment would never be able to understand the everyday reality of dealing with him in this office.

So, here I am. In a job that has more ups and downs than the Blue Streak rollarcoaster at Cedar Point.

Welcome to the Big Apple and the world of entertainment. If I wasn't a detached enough person before, I am certainly on the road to becoming one now...

Soul Mates

So, out of boredom (and poverty) the other day, Kelly and I thought it was a fabulous idea to place personal ads on craigslist in order to both be amused by responses and possibly get some free dinners out of it. I myself have found myself with a number of "interesting" responders offering up dinner and drinks for this week. Part of me wants to just give up on the idea but the other part is secretly hoping that I can still find someone out there to complete me...

I know a personal ad seems like the wrong way to go about meeting a "soul mate" but when i really think about it, how is it any worse than being picked up by a drunk guy at a bar? Ryan was supposed to be a one night stand. He was my "i'm in another country so I am going to be wild and crazy and do something I would never do at home." When he walked me to the tube station the next morning, kissed me gooudbye and promised to call I nearly laughed at him out loud. Everyone knows you don't start relationships with the boy you get naked with on night one. This wasn't even a first date... it was a first meeting. Yet, a day later and I knew I was in love. So what's to say that the mockingly pathetic personal ad won't yield the same results. And besides... it makes for a fascinating story, which as I have previously stated is my sole motivation in decision making.

Of course, this gets me thinking of soul mates in general. I never really believed in them. I have never been one to really believe in fate. I claim to be skeptical and cynical yet at the same time I believe that i was destined to meet Ryan. I don't know why he stands out as different from the entirity of my belief system. Maybe because i will never see him again. Maybe because my love for him is about as productive as a my movie star crush on Colin Farrell. Its nice to be able to tell myself that no matter how many relationships come and fail (or never really start at all much to my disappointment), the real reason I cannot find love again is that I had a soul mate and I lost him. Nothing will ever work out because it is part of a greater plan to bring my little South African and I together again at last... Do I actually believe that? Not really. Do I even think I love Ryan anymore? Well, I'm not really in love with him but I like to think that I will always love him... in the way that someone still loves a grandparent that passes away but leaves behind all the beautiful memories of time...

I don't know why this is in my head... or why I am sharing it. I think my job makes me delusional sometimes...

Beautiful mystery

Someone recently wrote me about my Blurb on the myspace page that describes "About Me". Although this is a person I have known for 5 years now he mentioned how it was almost like he knew me better from reading it... Doesn't that just seem fascinating? I think it just goes to show how much simpler it is to open up with who you really are in such an anonymous outlet like the internet. What I wrote in that blurb, none of it was secret, and I would have been happy to describe myself that way at any point... but knowing someone and actually understanding the inner workings are very different things. Rarely in a friendship does the question come up "Why do you think you are the way that you are?"

JSwis is perhaps the only friend I have that knows me inside and out. She understands my drive and motivation. Comprehends the way that I make decisions based on the idea that if I were to die today I would want to think that my life were at least somewhat interesting. That it was a little different than others.

I liked the idea that I fell in love with a South African and moved to London to spend the final months of his visa with him. I wanted the experience of living in sublets and sleeping on a mattress in my friend's living room upon moving to New York- it made the whole thing seem more challenging. I like to struggle. I like people who are different. I love surrounding myself with others that are even more messed up than I am because it makes me feel a bit less unusual but still part of an interesting mini-society.

So, I guess that's the real me. The one I have no trouble acknowledging but few may really know and understand. I once heard this Avril Lavign song that really got to the core of what I am about...

"To walk within the lines would make my life so normal
I want to know that I have been to the extreme
So knock me off my feel
Come on now, give it to me
Anything to make me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out and leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please"

That's me. I want to be anything but ordinary. In middle school I wanted to be a hippie until it became fashionable so I wanted nothing to do with it... I always try to find music before it hits the airwaves. I look to make friends with artists who inspire a different reality in life. I sometimes create various characters and personalities when I go out just for the experience of being someone else.

Perhaps Ben is right... maybe we should all introduce ourselves this way... but then again, sometimes the mystery is just as beautiful...

Wise words from my little brother

hey em, i can't believe your going to award parties and maybe somehow you'll end up in...but for real though be good, famous doesn't mean superior so respect yourself and your body. We are a little worried that you are going crazy in NY, i know you're smarter than that but guys only have one thing on their mind... words from father zach

Nothing to do but wait

Wait for what? Wait for who? I feel like my life is often just an endless wait for something else to happen. Everything feels transitional, expirational, ready to vanish into a new and different existence. I don't really know what I am getting at right now- just in one of those weird moods where I sit here contemplating my life and the choices I've made and the people who I have taken in and those that I have lost.

Do you ever stop and think about the first moment you saw someone that later became the world to you? I was thinking about Ryan the other day, looking at pictures from before he even existed to me, remembering the first moment that we locked eyes in that crowded London bar. My first image of him is standing beside the dance floor, smoking a cigarette and watching me dance. He remembers me before that, as he walked down the staircase and the music stopped and a spotlight pointed me out. He described it like an unrealistic movie moment that I want to imagine happens in reality.

So maybe thats what I am really waiting for... my movie reality. My Meg Ryan moment. A Julia Roberts ending. But instead i just find myself constantly searching, living off impulse and in constant pursuit of something new and beautiful. Something so perfect it can only exist really on the big screen.

If only I could see Ryan again. Wouldn't that be such a beautiful reality? Star-crossed lovers, seperated by the world (or the atlantic ocean to be exact)... a transportationally challenged Romeo and Juliet, if you will, able to find one another again. Of course, I wouldn't even know how to get in touch with him these days.

"Two Drifters Off to see the world There's such a lot of world to see"... I've got Frank Sinatra singing to me in the background and I am suddenly transfixed on the memory of a marble. A simple glass marble that he gave me as a present in the third week of our relationship. "See how the design divides into two seperate lines?" He asked when he gave it to me. "Those represent our lives. And no matter how they twist and turn, tangle in new and everchanging directions, they still end up in the same place. Together. Thats us. Regardless of where life takes us, we'll end up with one another again one day."

Of course, I don't believe in fate. So I'm just waiting for life to prove me wrong on that. Or maybe he isn't my soul mate after all. Maybe all along I've been waiting for the wrong thing.

By the way- I'm not on drugs right now. Just a little tired, lost, and a bit confused about what my life means to me right now. And when I start to not understand, I think back to Ryan, the only thing that I remember being completely certain of right from the first moment we locked eyes in that club and I was instantly aware that one day I would love him.

Hooray for Hollywood

So- yesterday as the boss man was heading through the door, calling out my assignments for the next morning as I frantically try to keep up, he added one of particular interest... "Oh, and book yourself a flight to LA next friday, you're coming out for the Oscars..."

So, yay! I am moviestar land bound... and while i claim to have a hatred for the sunny California coast, I figure its an excellent place to visit for the weekend... especially when the sole purpose of going is to socialize at film industry parties... not a bad gig. AND since my girl, the infamous JSwis, lives in LALAland, I get to see her too. Out of sheer joy and excitement I must have called her 3 times last night to continually express my happiness. Of course I was kinda wasted for two of the calls- either way though, damn, I miss that girl.

Alright- if i want to keep up the perks i must get back to work. Need to keep the boss man happy so he doesn't cancel my spa appointments for tomorrow

New Place

So the K-star and I just found a cute new apartment... which means that Kelly will no longer be leaving New York and me! Its a 2 bedroom in Greenwich Village, right on Sullivan Street (which I take as an omen since Counting Crows have a song with that title). So, congrats to us for finally getting the balls to commit to something out here... I even just opened a bank account here yesterday... So I am now officially a New York girl I do believe